En ingles

		ENGLISH

		MY FIRST TIME

		The sky was dark
		The moon was high
		All alone
		Just her and I
		Her hair so soft
		Her eyes so blue
		I knew just what
		She wanted to do
		Her skin so soft
		Her legs so fine
		I ran my fingers
		Down her spine
		I didn't know how
		But I tried my best
		To place my hand
		On her breasts
		I remember my fear
		My fast beating heart
		But slowly she spread
		Her legs apart
		And when she did it
		I felt no shame
		All at once
		The white stuff came
		At last it's finished
		It's all over now
		My first time
		Milking a cow!

		SURVIVAL GUIDE TO DRIVING IN VENEZUELA
		If you are ever in the need to drive on the streets of Venezuela the following rules may help you
		get to you destination in one piece.

		ON STARTING YOUR CAR
		Implore for divine intervention in protecing you against the perils of the Venezuelan streets. Be
		careful with the confident reverse driver. This type of driver is famous for backing his/her car with
		a complete disregard of whatever is in its path. If you encounter one of these drivers then you are
		just in time to practice the Venezuelan driver greeting

		THE VENEZUELAN DRIVER GREETING
		When greeting a Venezuelan driver, slowly lower the window and be prepared to greet the driver
		with "Tu madre pendejo". However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply
		with a joyful "La tuya cabrón".

		ON TURN SIGNALS
		If a driver in another lane turns on the signal, do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the
		accelerator and start driving right next to him/her.The fellow driver will probably greet you and
		you know what to do.

		ON TRAFFIC LIGHTS
		These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no apparent reason.Sometimes, you will see
		drivers stop to see the colors change on these lights (a fascinating experience).
		From pure observation I have determined the following instructions for each color:

		Yellow Light- accelerate your car as much as possible
		Red Light - this light gives permission to the next 5-6 cars to go through.
		Green Light - reduce speed and wait for the 5-6 cars passing through their respective red lights.
		Little Known Fact- you should start to honk your horn, as soon as the light turns green: 1.5 seconds

		ON CHANGING LANES
		Trafic Jams are teeming with fun filled activities such as :
		1) Honking your horn rythmically.
		2) Put on make-up (usually female drivers)
		3) Nose pickers sightseening. (Not to be confused with people who scratch their brains through
		their nose)
		4) Reduce speed to watch whatever is causing the traffic jam. Add excitement by trying to see if
		you know the parties involved. (Note: every Venezuelan driver is obliged to do this)
		5) Lose weight by sweating like a pig as a result of lack of air conditioning.
		6) Greet other drivers.
		7) Practice lane changing.
		8) Play the game. Let's see how close I can get to you before rear-ending you.

		ON PEDESTRIANS
		These individuals are an annoyance to the Venezuelan driver.If you see pedestrians on your way,
		accelerate your car to let them know who's the boss.If you are at an intersection,let the pedestrians
		know you want to proceed by flinging your car at them.

		ON SOCIAL SITUATIONS
		Bumping with a friend while driving is a joyful occasion. Drivers should reduce speed and stop their
		cars in the middle of the street and chit chat. What about the other drivers?? Well, they can wait.

		ON HIGHWAY DRIVING
		Bottleneck formation: To accomplish this type of driving,cars must block all lanes by driving at the
		same speed and side by side (to avoid other cars to pass).It's important to drive at least 20 mph
		below the speed limit.

		THE POLICE ALERT NETWORK
		If you see a cop while driving through the highway,you must advise other Drivers about the cop's
		proximity by flashing your headlights even during the day. By doing this you help speeding cars
		and potential escaped convicts to avoid an unpleasant situation.

		THE THREE LANE CHANGE
		This movement requires a lot of precision and creativity.It should be done around the highest
		number of cars possible and in a matter of seconds to create what others may refer to as
		widespread panic.

		ON HIGHWAY TOLLS
		There are simple etiquette rules on how to behave at the Venezuelan toll booth. First of all, if you
		dont have enough change or only have single bills, go to the EXACT CHANGE lane. this will give
		you the opportunity to get out of your car and look for change at another toll booth while other
		drivers greet you. Secondly, practice your hoops by throwing the coins as far as possible. You will
		get extra points if one of them does'nt get in. Thirdly, if there is a traffic jam to get through the tolls
		try changing lanes, other drivers will really appreciate you cutting in front of them. Finally, wait
		until the last moment possible to get the change required for the toll, preferably, wait until it's
		your turn.


		FUCK: AN INTERESTING WORD

		Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word fuck
		It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate
		In language, fuck falls into many grammatical categories.

		It can be used as a transitive verb (John fucked Mary)
		Intransitive verb (Mary was fucked by John).
		It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck)
		A passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck)
		An adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John),
		A noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
		An adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).
		It can be used in an anatomical description -- He's a fucking asshole.
		It can be used to tell time -- It's five fucking thirty.
		It can be used in business -- How did I wind up with this fucking job?
		It can be maternal -- as in Motherfucker.
		It can be political -- Fuck whoever you want!

		As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of fuck. Besides its sexual connotations,
		this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

		Greetings : How the fuck are you?
		Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
		Dismay: Oh, fuck it!
		Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
		Aggression: Fuck you.
		Disgust: Fuck me.
		Confusion: What the fuck...?
		Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business.
		Despair: Fucked again.
		Incompetence: He fucks up everything.
		Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
		Lost: Where the fuck are we?
		Disbelief: Unfuckingbelieveable.
		Retaliation: Up your fucking ass.
		Telling time: I have to work till 5 o-fucking-clock.

		And, never forget General Custer's last words: Where did all them fucking Indians come from? or
		the Mayor of Hiroshima: What the fuck was that? And last, but not least, the immortal words of the
		Captain of the Titanic: Where is all this fucking water coming from?

		The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when
		you say fuck? Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige.

		CALORIES COUNTER

		REMOVING CLOTHES
		With partner`s consent............. 12 calories
		Without partner`s consent........... 187

		UNHOOKING BRA
		Using two calm hands..............7
		Using one trembling hand........ 36

		GETTING INTO BED
		Lifting partner...........................1.5
		Dragging partner along floor.......16
		Using skateboard.......................3

		ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
		For normal healthy man........2.5
		Losing erection.....................14
		Searching for it....................115

		PUTTING ON CONDOM
		With erection....................1.5
		Without erection............... 300

		INSERTING DIAPHRAGM If the woman who does it is:
		Experienced...................... 6
		Inexperienced................... 73
		If a man does it............... 650
		Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room.

		POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
		Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen............ 26
		Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission.... 55
		American- Both on top...... 60

		POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
		Bouncing............... 7
		Sliding around..........9
		Serious skidding...... 12
		Whiplash.............. 27

		ORGASM
		Real................. 27
		Faked............ 160

		ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
		Shoes flew off.......................... 35
		Expression didn`t change.......... 1/2
		Orchestra swelled.................... 6

		BIRD SANG:
		Large birds........... 7
		Small birds.............. 3
		Earth moved........... 30

		PULLING OUT
		After orgasm................ 1/2
		A few moments before orgasm .........500

		PENIS ENVY
		For woman......... 3
		For men........ 72

		GUILT
		Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally................ 53
		You`re enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving...... 2
		Sex on your lunch hour.......... 3
		Putting it on expense account ...........20

		AGGRAVATION
		Partner keeps showing plant............ 5
		Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay ...........14
		Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time........... 10
		Partner is taking phone calls............ 7
		Partner is making phone calls............ 40

		GETTING CAUGHT
		By partner`s spouse.......... 60
		By your spouse.......... 100
		Trying to explain......... 55
		Trying to remain calm......... 100
		Leaping out of bed......... 75
		Getting dressed in one motion......... 500


		KIND OF CONDOMS

		Nike Condoms: Just do it !
		Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
		Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
		Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
		Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
		Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
		Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
		Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
		Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
		Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
		Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
		New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
		Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
		EverReady Condoms: Keep going and going ...
		KFC Condoms: Finger- Licking Good.
		Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
		Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one.